While I worked for the military, it was easy to blame my problems on my job. As I saw it, I worked for an evil entity – a regime which destroys hope and ruins lives worldwide. I realize that the military is just a tool to be used by an entire country, I still believe that the tool itself has flaws which must be corrected in order to fall in line with the collected interest of all of the world’s peoples. By no means am I suggesting that the US government is the sole baddy out there, but if you look at history objectively you can’t claim that it is the sole goody either.
As I said, it was easy to blame everything on my job, but when circumstances in life change and you face yourself in the mirror and find little has changed in your attitude, you must pursue the most obvious path of reasoning – the problem is not with my circumstances, it is with me. I knew this all along, but the battle with the self is endless. It is almost impossible for me to avoid blaming suffering on the immediate catalysts in my life, though I know full well that I lie at the heart of every problem. In the battle with the self, can we really win? Many philosophers and religious leaders have claimed to have solved that problem, but could the truth at the heart of it all illuminate yet another ego based claim? Can we not appear benevolent to others with only ego in our hearts?
I always fall into a certain trap of thinking. I always imagine that my mind will calm and my heart will fill with the next change I wish to make. In reality I just look forward again, to some other goal which may never be realized. I am also obsessive. I tend to focus on one thing at a time, throwing all of my effort and focus into that sole purpose until I am disheartened by the lack of progress. In the end, my ego still controls me. I wish the world to bow down to my glory – a man more than a man, a personality worth the fame they bestow upon me. They should see me as an enlightened being and worship me as a god, but not in a way that would annoy me or subtract from my self enjoyment. I want everything and with no effort.
And if I ever got it, I’d be miserable. Then again, the day after I’d be really excited by something else.